Chapter 9: Systems.edu

ADSS Presents Genesis

Drinking and smoking served as an escape, but from what? Underpinning my journey with addiction and sobriety are the systems in which we all live.

Systems is a broad word, one that academics can breakdown with formal language and statistics. For the sake of this book, it’s a word that can be simplified. To me, a system can be defined as an organization where certain members have the power to control how others operate within the organization they have setup. A system can be a corporate structure, like a company or nonprofit you work for. A system can be something as expansive as the government, which decides laws and others rules to guide interactions between it’s members. A system can be a classroom, a family structure. We are all governed by systems.

I’ve run into many that have influenced me in ways that are impactful. Within my home, I operated within a patriarchal family system. I didn’t know it at the time, I barely had a words for something like that. But what I recognized and could probably explain at an early age was the ways in which my father dominated the dynamics of my family’s relationships. His anger, based in his own history, was used as intimidation to influence behavior.

I think my mother and brother grew out of that fear at some point. The fear of physical violence. I think for me, the fear still somewhat lingers. Fear which is a powerful driver, was how I operated within my home. How much of it hardwired into me from birth, I’ll never know. Always afraid to enrage him, I tip-toed to make sure my presence was lightly felt, if at all. I grew up on eggshells. I learned to silence myself, in hopes that being quiet would keep me safe. Writing, then, was where I found solace. A way to express all my hidden thoughts and dreams, free from his domineering attitude.

This book, may be be a direct result of my homelife and the system I was raised. So my ability to write is a blessing and a curse. A blessing for obvious reasons, the ability to express my truest self. A curse for more hidden ones, it reminds me of all the things I would express in other ways, had I felt more open to choosing a medium other than words.

As unhealthy as the dynamic was, I think in some weird way my mother, brother and I found it comforting. Knowing that you live with someone that can go off the rails, I think at times it can help you feel safe, from other, outside dangers. Almost like a feeling of, “Yeah, this other person is wild, but they aren’t as wild as my dad.” This is a flawed line of thinking that probably deals more with some instinctual need to feel safe, in an unsafe and unpredictable world.

I’m sure some of it is a mature acceptance of his flaws. I wasn’t there for a long time.

Outside of the home, school was, and is a major influence on all of us. The experience is two-fold; the people teaching us and how they impact us, and, our classmates, and their effects on how we compare with those in our same development, generally related in age. Both groups help shape our attitudes about ourselves in a social and academic context. Being considered “smart” by others, in either context, can be such a driver towards future positive life outcomes. It’s probably less about actually being so, and more about being viewed that way.

Throughout my life, I’ve watched people of all different types, believe in their intelligence and look down upon others for not being able to match their abilities. It creates this strata, that people knowingly or unknowingly play into throughout their lives. Someone who isn’t intelligent, is bound to get you in trouble. Or lead to more situations, where you can be in trouble. Academics then, is meant to predict, your life choices.

Rule-followers, the more of them the better for a system like our government, are represented by high grades. They are most likely to keep the system in place. They benefit it from it, with high salaries, prestigious positions. They go to prestigious colleges and universities. They have built an underlying pride, in the representations of their status, through the system.

The rule-breakers, with generally low grades, are “bad” for the system. They are most likely to disrupt the rules. They’re dangerous. They don’t benefit from the system remaining as it is, because it some way, it’s told them, the wider system isn’t for you.

Maybe the prison system is a better fit. Where, there may be more rules than prisoners.

I’m jailed in irony.

Most of us, like myself, land smack dab in the middle.

The more than you lean towards the rule-follower side, the more likely it is, someone will call you “smart”. You get really good at following a set of rules: like mathematics? Building things, like engineering? Great football player? He’s got a high football IQ.

Those that aren’t reinforced in this way, to believe they’re smart in an area of their life, then learn to question themselves. When you learn from an early age to question your intelligence, you learn from an early age, to question your decision-making.

I can think of countless times when I had a thought or idea, and because I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t share it. The answer to a question I was afraid to get wrong, kept me sharing with the class, only to see a classmate share something I was thinking. Or would frighten me into not thinking at all, the fear of being wrong too bright in my mind.

This level of belief in ourselves has a domino effect in how we show up in the world. I believe folks that are successful in some way, feel free to define that how you choose, is a direct result of how much they have reinforced the idea that are able to be successful in that particular area. More exposure, leads to more possible opportunities to practice. More practice, leads to improvement. As you improve, folks, sometimes even you yourself, start to notice. Either by yourself, or by others, or by both, the idea is reinforced.

Going to private school, being in a special track of classes for certain students, achieving good grades, are all ways we validate our mental capacities, implicity or explicitly, allowing us to believe in ourselves and our own self-efficacy. This is reinforced as people from prestigious schools are again and again preferred for roles of high status. Or folks that drop-out from these institutions become founders of tech-startups, and other revered positions.

Being labeled smart, in a way, can be promoted as a way to get out of your situation. Working hard academically and the rewards that can come with that promote stability, and ultimately, the status quo. A status quo that is most likely to be preferred by those with power within systems that are benefiting by the status quo continuing.

But, what we see again and again through capitalism, is that folks that don’t spend all their time in school, but rather, focusing in a skill they love, can allow to have careers in these deeply passionate projects. Often times, we call them artists. Or entertainers. Some are both.

This mix of artists and entertainers, professional athletes to the struggling novelist, by their sheer passion and interest, and sometimes talent, can carve out lanes for themselves in a system driven by pure dollars and cents. For these artists of all types, once their art is discovered and valued, then it enters into the tentacles of other systems. Public relations, marketing, travel. Need to learn how those systems work, think it’s time you go back to school.

The cost, the money, where will that come from? It’s probably time to find a stable job. Most artists, athletes, entertainers, aren’t making the top dollars. Once again, most of us, are in the middle.

You get the feeling that no matter which way to turn in the maze, it doesn’t matter, there’s no forward progress. There’s only stability, and you get there by following the rules. Somehow, getting you back to start.

While that status quo is fine for the folks benefiting from it, those same folks are also the most likely to be significantly disconnected from those the systems are harming.